Before the night of my thirtieth birthday my life was on track. I was well on my way to becoming a productive member of society. A job, a house, a sweet fiance; I had it all.
Then while drunk off my ass on Tequila birthday shots, I cheated on my fiance. Instead of just catching a simple case of chlamydia, I fucked up and landed myself in Vampire Loserville.
Now I’m a swing-shift waitress who lives in her mother’s basement and screws randoms for blood and a sad amount of affection.
Over the coarse of my “change”, my social circle has shrunken to just two friends, Gavin and Derek. They’re new friends and not all that great but they share my plight.
Gavin’s smokin’ hot and looks like a rugged Lee Min Ho but he’s also kind of an asshat. The constant attempts to get up my skirt are annoying at times but he’s loyal to a fault and I hate to admit, a confidence boost on those days I’m feeling like a raisin. Our whole friendship began with me rejecting him and him not being able to fathom why. He just kept hitting on me and somehow we became friends.
Derek is a gorgeous metro-sexual with bright blue eyes and carefully coiffed blonde hair. He’s also a bit dimwitted and in love with himself first and his car second. It makes him easy to be around, especially if you don’t expect much.
I met him through Gavin, they’re sort of friendemies; constantly bickering and talking shit behind each other’s back. Even so, they still hang out together on a regular basis and in my opinion hold a brotherly affection for one another that they’d deny to the grave.
Like every Monday night, I’m meeting up with them at Skinner’s Bar; where the beer’s cheap and the patrons are rowdy. It’s only nine, the awful DJ music won’t start until ten, so we can speak without screaming in each other’s ears.
“Colleen!” Both guys have their arms raised and are waving me over, as if they aren’t seated at the same wobbly table we sit at every Monday.
“Hey guys.” I say, as I take a seat and signal to the waitress that I’d like a beer. She knows what brand I drink. I can see Derek is worked up about something and it doesn’t take long before he turns to me and blurts, “You’ve got woman parts.”
“I do…” I warily confirm, not sure where the conversation is heading.
“We need a female opinion.” I nod for him to go on.
“Gavin and I have been arguing whether a baby would be sucked from a pregnant woman’s vag in the vacuum of space. Any thoughts?” He flips his blonde bangs to the side and stares at me with serious interest.
“What the fuck is wrong with you two?” I say calmly and sip my beer. Judging by how quickly the waitress walks off, she heard Derek’s question also. I need less weird friends.
Derek holds up his hands to explain better, “No, no… See. Gavin says that it would just smother inside the womb.” I look over at a quiet Gavin, he quickly looks away, apparently embarrassed at being caught in the bizarre discussion.
Derek continues, “I’m thinking it would be more like a Total Recall type of thing. You know, when their heads start to leak blood and their eyeballs pop out of their skulls. I mean, if an eyeball was popping out, then wouldn’t a baby be forced out too. Seems like common sense.”
I take a deep breath before answering, “I don’t think it works that way Derek… also that was a movie, not science.”
He rolls his eyes, “What the fuck does science know? They don’t even know about vampires .”
Gavin points his empty beer bottle at me, “He’s got you there.”
“True, but you’re still wrong on so many levels.” I tell him
A moment of awkward silence goes by and Gavin clears his throat, then asks me, “Have you thought about my offer yet?”
My gut drops, I hate being put on the spot by friends. I answer quickly to get it over with, “No. I don’t think it would be the best idea. Why don’t you ask Derek to be your roommate?”
“Fuck no, he’s a perv!” Derek shouts much too loud, half the bar turns to glance at our table.
Gavin snaps back at him, “I wouldn’t live with you either, it takes you two hours to take a damn shower! ”
“Excuse me for wanting to smell nice for my ladies. We all have our ways to bring in the bacon.” With that said, Derek gets up and goes to talk with one of his regulars sitting across the bar.
“Sorry Gavin, I didn’t mean for my suggestion to start an argument.” I really want the subject closed but as usual, he doesn’t take one no as an answer.
“Just come over and see the place, you might like it. You know you can’t live in your mommy’s basement for eternity. People will start to notice that you’re not aging, or eating, or going out in the daylight. You don’t want to end up being the catalyst of the Vampire extermination do you?”
“No, and I do realize that, thanks. Look, I appreciate the offer but…”
“Just…see it.” He interrupts and places his hand on my sleeve. “I’ll be a perfect gentleman, as always.”
“Fine, but Derek comes too.” I say and watch as his beautiful smile at the word “fine” drops when I mention Derek.
He gets up from the stool and towers his large six-foot self over me to say, “Whatever.” I can tell he’s in a pissy mood now, by the tone. The big baby.
I call out to Derek and he follows me out of the bar as I’m following Gavin, no questions asked. I love that about him, he’s very simple in a “good dog” sort of way.
Photo is from Pinterest and I drew on it.