Yesterday I saw a man with big teeth and blonde hair.
I thought of you.
As always, a jagged knife slides into my chest.
But I’ve realized by now that getting up off my ass makes next time easier.
If only you had learned that fact of life.
You just lay there, right where you fell.
Did I not hear your call for help?
That fear eats at me too.
If you even called.
Either way I failed and didn’t even see that you’d fallen.
I’m still sorry…
Also, I hate you some days.
It’s not something I want.
It just happens.
When it does, a silent war wages between the person I am and the person I want to be.
I can be horrible and cold if I’m not careful.
It’s easier that way.
Most times I just retreat, curling up in guilt.
No one wins.
It feels stupid and wasteful to have those horrid thoughts.
But I can’t help the backlash of what you left.
A mess left for others.
A red rotting mess, you had no right to inflict on everyone.
I miss you just the same, hating and loving and missing alike.
That can happen with a brother.
I just get so angry because…
You wasted it.
You threw it in the fucking trash.
Where did your strength go?
You were able to stand up for me, ready to protect me when it was most important.
Where did that go?
Did you seriously think it wouldn’t tear me in two to lose you?
You have put a scar on my soul.
Knowing you, you never meant to, but it’s still there.
Torn open every time I see someone who resembles you, or smells like old spice, or those damn dreams.
Those fucked up dreams, where you walk in and nothing is wrong and I sob with happiness that you are whole and alive.
I hug you and even forgive the absolute agony you put me through thinking you’d left this world by choice.
You smell and feel like my brother and I am so joyous to think you tricked me.
Making the betrayal I experience when I awaken that much worse.
It follows me for days.
It’s all so fucked up.
You know, I thought I told you, explained to you, how it works.
Life is gathering experiences, knowledge, happiness and then..
I have no idea, what then, but if there is nothing…
At least you could have made the most of your chance.
You blew it.
But I love you anyway.
Bad, life changing decisions aside, I love you.
Its been 5 yrs since my brother has gone. I’m not sure if writing helps but, it might, so here it is.
Picture is from Here.